Unfortunately, most if not all of us have at least one toxic family member. You know that person who really does not care how their actions affect you. Never think to say they are sorry for hurting your feelings and always ALWAYS! has something to say about you but never directly to you…Yes them. The question then becomes, how do you handle such people when you see them at the family bar-b-que? Do you play it cool and be polite or do let it be known that you have a problem with them?
Much to my disadvantage at times, I was raised to be very respectful and polite. I was taught you do not talk back to adults. You are a child you should always remain in a child’s place. I carried this way of thinking into my adulthood and would find myself not speaking up when I was hurt by a family member or any adult for that matter. This is something that I had to unlearn, for me respect is earned! You do not get to disrespect me and I sit quietly and take it because you are older than me. However, I find that speaking up for yourself is just the tip of a huge iceberg. The issue for me lies in the emotional damage caused by these persons. Think about it for a minute, these people are often very close to you and are the ones you would expect to protect you. Yet they cause more damage than this ugly world could ever cause in this lifetime. The damage usually runs so deep it is hard to just move on from it.
This is something that I have lived, I have experienced first-hand the lingering pain and emotional turmoil caused by family. Family has talked about me worse than any enemy could ever. I have been completely broken and torn apart left to wonder what does it truly mean to be “family”. Obviously, over time I became drained and tired of this situation so I started a quest to find ways to manage my relationship with family while maintaining my sanity. Simply put I was tired of being taken advantage of. In my search, I came across a particular sermon by Pastor Dharius Daniels…(this man has a whole book and multiple sermons on dealing with difficult family members.) It was from his teaching that I learnt one very important thing, I had the power. It was up to me to dictate how I was treated by these persons and I did not have to be disrespectful or unkind about it either. All I needed to do was set boundaries and realize that I was not at all wrong for advocating for myself. So, here is what I did:
In my mind I created a space for each person in my family: safe and not safe. I started categorizing people. If you fell under the safe column, we were good to go, if you fell under the unsafe column you were a no go. Keep in mind that unsafe did not mean I was no longer speaking to these family members. It simply meant that I had no expectations from these persons and an encounter with them be it good or bad was just not an encounter. No longer was I carrying around things in my heart that was said to or about me because I was learning that I control what takes root in my heart. So, I would come in contact with these people and we would have a good time then days later I would get a report that they were speaking ill about me again and that was completely fine. Simply because I had learnt to manage my expectations and to accept people for who they are.
Love from a distance: this one is straight forward. While you do not hate these persons the safest way to love them is from afar.
This last one is the key, manage your expectations: I had to manage my relationships and above all my expectations of family. You have to come to the realization that not because you call someone something means that they are that. Ok, that is a mouthful let us break it down. You can call me your sister all you want, if I do not know how to be a sister the title will never change my behaviour towards you. This little fun fact I learnt the hard way. I had so many expectations from persons because of the title they carried without realizing that it is just that for some people a title. Not everyone values the same things you value family or not. If you do not learn how to categorize persons based on how they treat you rather than the fact that they are “family” you will find yourself emotionally worn out trying to please everybody but yourself!
I know that as simple as this may seem there are some of us who will have a hard time practising these steps. So, I will leave you with this quote from Pastor Dharius “same name doesn’t mean safe”. Though hard especially for those of us who really value family, it is important for us to see people for who they are and live accordingly. It is of paramount importance to protect yourself from persons who harm you; be it physically or emotionally. If you do not do this you will find that sooner or later you will become the toxic one.
"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."
Romans 12:18,NIV:
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